Wherein the post that was deleted is now restored

Note: I first posted this a couple of weeks ago and promptly deleted it the next day in fear that my words may be misconstrued. A couple of people whose opinion I respect affirmed the merit of the post; hence, it's reappearance. Please understand by no means do I intend to pass judgment on anyone but myself...

Several months ago, probably a year and half ago now, I offended an acquaintance of mine. Not the first time I've hurt someone and most likely not the last. In this instance, not only were her and her husband in the Sunday school class my husband and I teach, but two of our children were in the same class at a small private kindergarten here in our town. On a typical school day, she and I would very often meet in the mornings, one of us coming, the other going. We would exchange the normal pleasantries: hi, how are you, looks like rain today.

That is, until I offended her. While never extremely close friends, her behavior to me was altered enough that after a couple of weeks of her avoiding me and refusing to speak, I stopped her in the hall and asked if I had done anything to hurt or offend her in any way. I had, she told me. I assured her that it was entirely unintentional on my part, that I would never do anything to willfully hurt her feelings in any way. When I asked what I had done, she refused to tell me, and continued to avoid me for months thereafter. She and her husband left our Sunday school class as well.

I don't have to tell you how hurt I was, but in addition to my hurt, I was angry. I was mad that although I had somehow hurt her to the degree that she would treat me so markedly different she would refuse the opportunity to confront me with the truth.

Like you no doubt, I have been on both sides of this issue: the offended and the offender. Be it in our homes, our churches or our workplaces, we will inevitably offend and will inevitably be offended. As a result, we all have opportunity to murmur and criticize and nurse our complaints. The problem is too often we would much rather stew than confront. In reality, I cannot judge my friend. I have often done much the same thing: nursing my hurt rather than restoring the relationship.

In contrast, consider Jesus' words in Matthew 18:15, "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you." Look closely at the situation He has described: your brother (your friend, your coworker, your youth pastor, your Sunday school teacher, your music minister, whatever) sins against you. In short, he offends you.

Now consider what Jesus commands us to do in this situation, "go and show him his fault." So step number one is not to tell everyone you know the terrible injustice you have endured nor treat the offending party with resentment and hatred. No, step number one is to go to that brother (or friend or coworker or Sunday school teacher). Go to the person who has wronged you and hurt you. Go in forgiveness and gentleness, seeking restoration and reconciliation. Go and speak the truth in love.

Also note that Jesus emphasizes this is at first "just between the two of you."

In the past, my husband has served on a key committee in our church. Occasionally, this specific committee would receive letters of complaint written about various and sundry circumstances and persons within the church, sometimes written anonymously I might add. My husband was of the opinion that complaints written under the cowardice of anonymity should not even be considered. If one will not own up to his or her problem by putting his name on it, and not having approached all concerned, the criticism has no merit.

It is much easier to take our complaint anywhere but to the person to whom it is directly aimed. People-pleaser that I am, I hate confrontation and will attempt to avoid it if at all possible. But if I am unwilling to approach the one who has hurt me according to the model Jesus described in the Word of God, if I refuse to confront the offending party in a spirit of love and desire for reconciliation, then all my murmuring and criticism not only have no merit but in reality are nothing but sinful gossip.

This is not an issue I take lightly. In fact in writing this I am convicted of my own cowardice in so often choosing criticism over loving confrontation. I am sometimes of a strong opinion, and sometimes the expressing of my conviction can lead to criticism. May we God's people, me God's child, be marked by loving and honest communication.

Let's have the boldness and courage to be a people who speak the truth in love...

As for the rest of the story...I never knew what offended my friend, yet she has either forgiven me or decided it was so much water under the bridge, as our relationship has returned to what it was before. I am admittedly somewhat insecure that I will somehow inadvertently offend again, but I am thankful this issue--whatever it may have been--has passed.