Saturday, June 09, 2007

Downcast

Maybe it's all that black talk in my previous post.

Maybe it's finding myself in a place of responsibility where I'm not quite sure of all that's expected of me and discovering I'm really insecure there.

Maybe it's coming to the end of a really, really, really good book--you know, the kind that ruins you for the printed word for at least a day or two.

Maybe it's the transition from school to summer--not that I miss the rat race of school (yet!) but can I just say that sometimes, only some times, I miss my solitude?

Maybe it's the other transition we are beginning, one that may become more difficult before it gets better.

Maybe it's "just" hormones.

Maybe it's spiritual warfare.

I don't know, but I do know this. I just want to climb into bed and sleep until October. My body feels as if it is full of lead, so complete is my lethargy. I'm not just talking about physical lethargy either. I don't want to do anything, not anything at all, and it takes the utmost effort just to make myself complete the most basic of tasks. The desire to run away and escape is great.

I am well acquainted with a funk. In fact, I really think one of the most common temptations I face in my flesh is the temptation to melancholy, to draw deep down inside myself and camp out there. Merriment does not come naturally to me. Often, to borrow John Piper's term, I must fight for joy.

I also know depression, particularly that post-partum blackness that left me with little or no memory of the first six months or so of my youngest son's life. Only a black fog, with me moving in and out of it robot like.

Today it feels like defeat, a deep, overwhelming heaviness. Maybe a touch of dread.

I know what I ought to do. I know what I tell those who come to me beaten down and beat up with discouragement. I know what comments I've posted on some of your blogs when you've confessed some of the same sentiments I've shared here. Stand! Believe! Lift high your shield of faith! Arm yourself with the sword of the spirit! Claim His promises! Know He fights on your behalf!

But how perspective changes when the battle is no longer academic but personal.

Today I ask for faith, because mine is faltering. Today I ask for strength, because I feel so weak. Today I stand on His victory, because I know in my flesh I am defeated and I cannot stand alone. Today I choose to yet praise Him, because He is faithful.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Ps. 43:5

17 comments:

  1. Lifting you on high, my friend.

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  2. Oh, Lisa. I have been there with you, my sister. Keep your chin up, for you are the daughter of the King! Praying for you!

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  3. Praying for you right now and adding you to my prayer list.

    May God console you and sustain you as you rest in His Hand.

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  4. I will be praying for you, too, Lisa. Praying for joy and energy to be restored soon.

    I think it's interesting that this falls on the heels of finishing a great book...same thing happened to me several weeks ago.

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  5. And sometimes it takes asking for help and having some come alongside of you and hold up your arms when you are weary.

    Holding up your arms in prayer, Lisa!

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  6. Dear friend,
    When the battle is personal, so then is the victory. From academic straight to your very bowels does He pour into you His grace and sufficiency. He lifts the head of the humbled--even when we're humbled in realizing ourselves defeated and dreading. Believing alongside of you that joy comes in the morning!

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  7. Lisa, one of the wonderful graces of God is the privilege of reminding each other of His truth.

    "For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength." (Isa. 30:15)

    “There is nothing more acceptable unto God, no object more lovely and amiable in His eyes, than a soul thus prostrated before Him, thus entirely resigned unto His holy will, thus quietly submitting to His most severe dispensations.”

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  8. I ran out of room.

    The quote was from Henry Scougal.

    I will be praying for you to find that place of quietness and trust as you consider who He is, and all that He has provided for you. In that, He promises, you will find strength.

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  9. Singing some prayers for you...

    Be Thou Near to Me

    O, Lord I come with heart here open
    For in my hour of darkness, I may be
    Seeking the joy unspoken
    O Lord, be thou near to me
    And the holy voices sing hallelu
    Ever will thy reign be
    As I wander through this life,
    O Lord, Be thou near to me

    Though in this burden of my making,
    Yet in the shadows still a light I see
    Maker, whose love is not forsaken,
    O Lord, be thou near to me
    And the holy voices sing hallelu
    Ever will thy reign be
    As I wander through this life,
    O Lord, Be thou near to me

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  10. Lisa,

    Earlier this week I was in a similar place.....simply put, I felt paralyzed by disappointing circumstances. Even as I prayed for the Lord to help me overcome, the weight bore down heavily.

    I have meditated on Psalm 40 much this week:

    "I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry.
    He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire.
    He set my feet upon a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
    He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God......"

    May you be confident that as you "wait," He is turning to you (KJV "inclining" to you - love that) and hearing your cry. Praying our faithful God lifts you quickly.

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  11. Praying for you dear one...

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  12. I've had more days like that in the last six months than I care to think about.

    I know how you feel, dear Lisa.

    My prayers are with you.

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  13. Praying for you this morning, Lisa, and asking the Lord to grant you peace in Him.

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  14. My dear friend, Lisa, I, too, know how you feel. I also often struggle, struggle, struggle with the tendency to be melancholy and must "fight for joy."

    I am praying for you, my friend.

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  15. I also struggle with melancholy type thoughts at times...I'll be praying for you!

    Kim

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  16. Lisa - Know that I'm praying for you today and I know God will see us through anything. We just have to keep the faith. He has so blessed your life.
    I so enjoyed our time together recently. Love to the family.
    Mimi

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  17. Lisa...I have not been able to read your posts for several days - I have missed you.

    You should know that the many number of responses to your post comes from the fact that you are LOVED....

    I want you to know that I enjoyed your first born on Sunday night so much. God is growing him into a strong and confident young man....he is a person of faith...I love him and I am glad that he is in my life. I am also glad that he is in the life of my son...

    MdA

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