Friday, March 14, 2008

The funk lives on

I have spent the last hour (or maybe more...I'm not telling) catching up on the unread posts in my google reader and just surfing the blog world. I posted a comment here and there but mostly I just read and clicked and read and clicked.

I discovered posts that made me laugh, posts that challenged me, posts that I agreed with and posts I disagreed with. Posts that were witty and posts that were smart. Posts that convicted and posts that taught. Posts well written and posts beautifully expressed.

And as I generally do after spending protracted time out in blogland, I marvel at this medium of information and conversation, and I wonder about my place in it.

I'm an ordinary mom struggling to make sense of her very ordinary life. I cannot boast of any theological smarts, incredibly funny anecdotes or even any crafty accomplishment. Here it's just me and the words within me that strive for expression. Is that what the reader sees of me?

And today, when my failures appear to loom so large and my accomplishments conversely so small, I find myself weary of the confessional nature of my recent blogging and feel certain you, the reader, are as well.

Too bad. The funk lives on.

I had a bad day yesterday, not the kind of bad day where bad things happen (been there, done that), but the kind of bad day that begins with a scream fest with one of your children on the way to school that leaves you feeling overwhelmed and stressed and sad and out of control, so you cry off and on all morning, pouting, feeling sorry for yourself, convinced you are the worst mother, the worst wife, the worst friend, the worst housekeeper EVER...

Anyone besides me?

Last night I received an email, the very best kind of email, especially when it follows one of the worst kinds of days. An email from a friend, one who is in the Bible study I teach, offering much needed and much appreciated words of encouragement as she testified to seeing the glory of God and thanking me--me!?!--for ministering to her in Bible study.

I was grateful, to say the very least, and I told her in my reply that her words could not come at a better time. I am also humbled, deeply, deeply humbled, not the "aw shucks" kind of humility, but the kinds that knows--KNOWS--that it's only the Spirit of God. Only Him. All Him. I am nothing, as my bad day yesterday reveals.

I think of something I heard a Christian recording artist say upon receiving the Dove award for Artist of the Year: one more thing to lay at the cross. There at the cross Jesus paid it all, and all to Him I owe.

To my friend: should you venture this way, thank you for encouraging me more than you could know and being a vessel of God's grace to me.

15 comments:

  1. OH sister...there's no way to explain how I relate to this post!!!! Those days where your sin explodes in front of your face, and all you can think about all day is what a BEAST you are, and you feel suffocated by the sins, and have a very hard time seeing any amount of grace in your life at all?? Those are the days I've experienced like that.....I can get so consumed with my sin and beat myself up all day, and fail to see the beauty of my Savior (another root of pride, I suppose). I'm thankful for your humility in sharing with us!!! There's a few bloggers that I wish I could live right next door to...and you are definitely one of them! I just love your honesty, realness, rawness, and.....passion to know Jesus and love Him deeper, deeper, and deeper!!!

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  2. "Anyone besides me?"

    Absolutely yes. Everyone one of those thoughts. The scream fest, and subsequent guilt - far more often than I wish I had to admit.

    Thank God for His amazing, amazing grace.

    I appreciate your blogging - these kind of posts are encouraging, too, because I think we all have those days, and it is encouraging to see how the Lord works in and through each other.

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  3. There are many gifted writers out there. The quantity of the quality writers and the variety is amazing. But I always enjoy coming here.

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  4. to answer your question, "anyone besides me?" yes, me too!

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  5. Lisa,

    I love your blog, confessional nature and all!You are the real deal, walking the walk and continuing to look through to the cross, and to our Mighty Jesus!

    He uses you to live the life somewhat in front of those who come here, I am glad you don't have it altogether :)

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  6. To be honest, if you didn't have days where you yelled at your kids and got disgusted with yourself, I wouldn't give your blog 2 seconds.

    I already have a perfect God to live up to. I don't need perfect friends. It's so much more encouraging to walk with someone who is in the trenches and help each other along.

    Thank you for being real. You are an encouragement to me daily.

    Wish I could have a cup of coffee with you and just visit!

    Much love,
    Linda

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  7. Oh I can totally relate to this post Lisa!

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  8. "Here it's just me and the words within me that strive for expression. Is that what the reader sees of me?"

    Lisa, "just me" is far more than you know. And the "words within you" resonate with me so much sometimes. That's what this reader sees of you.

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  9. "Anyone besides me?"

    **Jumping up and down with hand raised** Me! Me! Me!

    I enjoy your blog and your honesty. I've had oh so many mornings and days as you've described. The only thing that brings me out of the funk, is sitting down with my Bible and my journal -- have some dedicated quiet time with God. Pray. Write to Him where no one else will see. Read a verse or two for encouragement. This always grounds me back to focus on Him and not what a horrible wife/mother/friend I am :)

    And for your friend who is down, I'd recommend the same thing. When I had my daughter I fell away from God. I didn't tell anyone how I felt because I thought I was a horrible mom. Congrats for being able to tell Lisa -- and don't turn down help. It's hard, but God can do anything if we let Him. He'll pull you out of the hole you feel you're in.

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  10. Lisa,

    I haven't been to visit in quite some time, but I have you listed on my blogroll to remind me to come over here more and visit.

    You have NO IDEA how much I can relate to, well...just about EVYERTHING you said in this post.

    I had a very good friend call me out on it this week and she called a spade a spade. She said that I was spending "so much time" building people up, encouraging them, discipling them, etc. that I was not spending the same amount of time with other people that would do that for ME!!! Spiritually dry in the sense that everyone around me was "taking" instead of giving.

    Not sure if you can relate, but as a Bible Study teacher, Pastor, Pastor's Wife, Ministry Leader, or even a WOMAN, we can all relate to taking care of others needs first.

    Bless you for being so transparent with your feelings and emotions...it takes real courage and real strength to stand up and say that. That just means there is MORE room God to shine on through you!

    Blessings,
    Melissa

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  11. Oh wow! Thanks for sharing your heart - don't stop!!

    I'm am so there with you. I UNDERSTAND. I don't share it much in my blog because everyone I know reads it and I'm just not there yet I guess...but you are definitely NOT alone!
    I know it's a sign for me that God is touching on something, working at something but knowing in my head doesn't always help.

    Isn't God good that He shows us what we mean in His kingdom even when we feel so defeated!

    Bless you for your transparency!

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  12. Dear Lisa,

    I struggle with many of the same issues daily. Just last night I went to bed in tears because I felt like a great big loser in the wife department. But Satan wants to keep us in that loser mode because he knows that once we confess, repent, and open our hearts to Christ's grace and mercy that we grow stronger. Thank you for sharing your heart so honestly. Angela

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  13. Me too, Lisa! Me too!

    Kelli

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  14. I fear, dear friend, that you and I had the very same day yesterday...save for the ending. I received no phone call, but I did struggle with the funk and it continues to press in. And, so I press on.

    Should I say that misery loves company? Or, simply that it's nice to know that I'm not alone on those days when I struggle with...well, every little thing.

    Much love,
    jules

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  15. Oh I can totally relate to this post Lisa!

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